When The Right Door Opens Read online

  When The Right Door Opens

  Published by Catherine Micqu at Smashwords

  Copyright 2014 Catherine Micqu

  Cover by SelfPubBookCover.com/Lori

  Smashwords Edition, License Notes

  This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this ebook with another person, please purchase and additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your enjoyment only, then please return to Smashwords.com or your favorite retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

  Acknowledgements

  This book is dedicated to everyone who supported me and my writing during these last years. In particular Malou, François, Britt, Jamie, Carole, Sylviane, Ash and David. To my family, my husband and to my three amazing kids who gave me the time I needed to write and make this dream come true. And last but not least, to every reader, because without you, I am nothing.

  Table of Contents

  Acknowlegements

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Epilogue

  Alternative Ending

  About the Author

  Connect with Catherine Micqu

  ~~Prologue~~

  “Jamie, I am pregnant.”

  Every color the pale boy had in his face left upon hearing those words and he gasped for air. His first instinct was to run, run away from those words, but his legs would not move and they felt like a mixture of lead and jelly anyway. Pregnant! Jamie was in shock. He was barely sixteen years old and he had never been intimate with a girl before. And now, the one he had been intimate with, was pregnant. The meaning and the consequences of that word reverberated inside of him, and he started to tremble involuntarily while cold sweat ran down his spine. He was going to be a dad, a father, a parent. If Lauren wants to keep the baby, that is. A small ray of hope appeared on his horizon, maybe Lauren would not want the baby either. After all, they were so young. Too young. Almost children themselves.

  He hadn't meant to get Lauren pregnant, he had only wanted to make sure he wasn't gay, and his quick romp with Lauren in the bathroom at that boring party made it pretty clear to him: that he was indeed more attracted to boys than to girls.

  Everyone at school knew how easy Lauren was, and when Jamie began to fantasize about several boys of his swimming team, he needed and wanted the confirmation that he was normal and not gay. Lauren had taken the reins from the moment he had approached her and she had never pulled away from him and his groping. Instead she had cheered him on and encouraged him to undress her further and to sleep with her. But now she was pregnant and he couldn't even remember if they had used protection and it had failed, or if they had not at all. And in the end, it didn't change his desire to be with men, it even strengthened his feelings. And it didn't change the fact either that Lauren was pregnant. With his child.

  Jamie sighed audibly. He didn't know what was worse – telling his parents he was gay or telling his parents that, in order to be really sure that he was gay, he had gotten a girl pregnant.

  That word – he saw it in front of his inner eye, like a blinking neon sign that was mocking him. Pregnant.

  “You got me into this situation. You are going to pay for my abortion. I don't want a child and certainly not yours.” Her words stung. Jamie understood that she was desperate too, but what was so wrong with having his baby? And why wouldn't she want it? She had a human being growing inside her body. The greatest miracle possible was happening inside of her and she was ready to simply throw that growing life away. Hearing her talking about abortion sounded wrong to his ears and although, mere moments ago, he had hoped she would say something like that, he now couldn't stand those words. Bile rose in his throat. Abortion. It was wrong. He couldn't and wouldn't let Lauren kill his child and Jamie felt tears running down his cheeks. He might have made a mistake, be he would own up to it.

  “Oh, come on. Why are you crying now? This is my body and your reaction makes it pretty clear that you are still a child. I don't want children. Not now, not ever.” Jamie knew that Lauren was right and that he was too young to be a father, but he didn't want to let his child die. “Let me think about it. Maybe we can come up with something. Maybe our parents can help...”

  “Are you kidding me? I am nineteen, my parents will say that we need to marry and settle down. I don't want that. And certainly not with you. You're a kid. And gay.” she spat out furiously and turned on her heels. The clinking of her high heels slowly faded in the distance and Jamie sank back against the wall that had been keeping him upright the entire time. His knees gave in and he found himself sitting on the floor, hugging his knees and weeping, like the baby he had conceived. Jamie's shaggy hair fell into his face and hid his tears. Gay! Pregnant! The words repeated themselves inside his mind over and over again. The neon sign inside his mind continued to blink and it got brighter and brighter.

  Jamie wiped his nose with the sleeve of his sweater and got up. He straightened his back, and with a deep breath he was suddenly very sure about his future. He would be a good father – the best father this child would have, without denying who he really was. In this moment, Jamie had made a decision about his life, and it was the moment he stopped being a child and became an adult. He was aware that every future decision he made was linked to this child and he was determined to not fail at parenting, too. Too many failures where his already. Jamie knew that his destiny had been changed and took courage in both hands to come out to his parents and tell them about Lauren and the precarious situation he found himself in.

  Somehow, after many long conversations with Lauren and promising to her that he would be solely responsible and that he would take care of the baby alone, Jamie managed to convince Lauren to keep the child. He started to work two jobs to pay for everything, from medical bills to baby furniture, while trying to keep his good grades up in school, so he could go to college later.

  Lauren's parents were proud grand-parents-to-be, though they didn't stop harassing them about a wedding, just like Lauren had predicted. They moved Lauren's father's home office to the living room to make it a nursery, and helped in every way possible. Jamie's parents, on the other hand, weren't as supportive and made it clear from the first time they ever heard that Lauren was pregnant, that they didn't want to see the child and didn't want to have anything to do with it. Funnily, the fact that Jamie had also told them that he was gay was not as important as the fact that he would be a father.

  “You are ruining your life, son. You are an excellent student and now you neglect your education for a child you don't even know is yours. This is not right, James. Think about your future.” After that, the relationship between Jamie and his parents became more and more disastrous and strained, to the point where they simply stopped speaking to each other, to not hurt each other more than they already had.

  Jamie was miserable, he missed his parents, he had never wanted to be estranged from them, but the closer the birth-date came, the worse the situation and the fights at his home became, and Jamie found shelter at Lauren's house. They became friends during the pregnancy and Lauren and Jamie knew that they would never have more than friendship and mutual respect for each other. Lauren also had learned more about Jamie's homosexuality
and was okay with Jamie being gay. She even encouraged him to act on his desires and find lovers of his own.

  The day Lauren went into labor, Jamie didn't leave her side. Just like he had done for the last months.

  The birth was relatively easy and short for Lauren. Jamie supported her in any way he was able to and when the baby was finally born, he couldn't hold back his tears of emotions anymore and cut the umbilical cord proudly. Lauren, however, refused to name the girl and she also refused to hold her. During the last weeks of the pregnancy, she had warned Jamie that this was going to happen and that the child would be Jamie's and his alone. She didn't want to be a mother and although, she loved Jamie, she never was able to have feelings for the growing human inside of her. Jamie had a hard time understanding her, but he tried to accept Lauren's feelings and her situation. As soon as the child had left her body, she didn't want to have anything to do with it, and Jamie stepped in taking his responsibilities. He was immediately in love with the little girl and he knew that she would be his one and only female love. He swore to himself and to his daughter that he would never leave her and that he would always love her.

  Once alone, Jamie felt like someone had just pulled the rug from underneath his feet. Here he was, feeding a small baby that was peacefully sucking at its bottle, while his sixteen year old friends where playing soccer and taking the usual slow route to being an adult. He had skipped many of the milestones of typical teenagers and when he changed his daughter's diapers, he realized that this was his life, his reality and he was all alone to deal with it. His daughter – Agnes – yawned and held on tightly to Jamie's finger. It was hard for Jamie to sort through his thoughts. He was so proud, but also so very scared.

  Jamie's pride was clouded when he wanted to take Agnes home to his parent's the following day. His parents stuck to their word and didn't allow Jamie to step into their house with the child. Jamie couldn't understand that reaction. He felt left alone.

  When he walked with Agnes to Lauren's parent's house, he felt welcome, but also out of his comfort zone. Lauren's mom hovered over the child, while Lauren still refused to even look at it. By the time Agnes was four weeks old, Jamie had had enough and needed his own space and his own walls to be with his child. Sleep deprivation added to his growing irritation towards Lauren's parents and he made the hard decision to move out before this relationship would suffer as well. It was difficult to find an understanding landlord and a decent apartment that he was able to afford, and at some time, he considered accepting Lauren's parent's offer to move back in with them. His pride kept him going and he didn't give up and finally his persistence was rewarded and he was able to rent a small apartment near his school. His first home with Agnes.

  Jamie managed, with the help of Lauren's parents, to raise Agnes alone for most part. Lauren's parents took care of Agnes when Jamie was at work or at school and they saw their grand-child every day. They never interfered with Jamie's parenting style and they let him make every decision there was to take. They saw how Jamie grew up and how dedicated he was to his little child.

  Lauren still refused to bond with the child. Jamie still worked his two jobs and went to school. He finished high school with his peers and started college a few months later, never losing focus of his goals. It was a lot of organization to have it all – school, work and the child, but he wanted to be a good role model for his little girl and was full of ambitions. The only thing Jamie didn't have was a social life, with friends and lovers.

  Agnes was three years old at that time. Lauren finally became a sporadic babysitter, but she never developed any motherly feelings towards Agnes. She was more like an aunt. Still, it enabled Jamie to breathe for a few hours every week and to be free. To act like a normal man his age. He made casual friends with some men, went to parties and had one-night stands, but nothing was ever serious and none of the men in his life ever met his most precious gift—Agnes.

  Life was okay for Jamie and his little girl and with some support from other people, he was able to study and work only one job. He and Agnes never lived in luxury, but they weren't missing anything important either.

  Unfortunately, Jamie's biggest support, Lauren's parents, fell away soon after he started his fourth and last year at college. Until then, even when he hit a rough patch once in a while, his life had been good. Lauren's mother had been diagnosed with malicious breast cancer and died only four months after getting the diagnosis. Lauren's father died shortly after his wife from a heart attack. Lauren was hurting so much that she withdrew completely from Jamie and even blamed Agnes for her parent's deaths. The gap between mother and child grew and grew and Jamie's life was now turned upside down by it too.

  He dropped out of college, to be a full time father and consecrate his entire life to now six-year old Agnes and her well-being. His carefully built up support system broke down from one moment to the next and he found himself alone and broke with his little girl once again. His dreams about being an architect were buried, and as if life had not been hard enough on him already, he lost his job too, because the video-store, where he was able to work shifts was closed down.

  Countless nights, Jamie cried himself to sleep, not knowing how to go on with his life and how to be a good father to Agnes anymore. He saw his savings slowly melt away, while doubts ate him from within and added to the anxiety that someone from child services might notice them and come to take Agnes away from him. Every sideways look from a neighbor or a teacher enhanced Jamie's paranoia and he stopped going out entirely. You can be poor as dirt, as long as nobody else knows and notices, was his logical thought.

  One night, when all Jamie had left were ten dollars in his pocket, he decided that the only way out of his financial misery could be found at the corner of the street. For months, he had thought about it and every time he had managed to push the thoughts away again, because he had not reached rock bottom just yet. But now, there was no other way out anymore. He couldn't find another way out of the mess he had brought upon himself and his daughter anymore. Nobody wanted to hire a single parent. A gay single parent without a degree. It wasn't for the lack of writing applications, but he was never considered for an interview and every rejecting letter cemented Jamie's self-loathing even more. How can I do this to my own flesh and blood?

  With Lauren's help, he was able to make a deal to make his new 'career' work. She was not pleased with his choice, but she didn't offer any other form of support for him. She didn't want him or Agnes moving in with her. She didn't want to assume the role of full-time mother, but she came over every night and made sure Agnes wasn't alone. Instead of being a mother for her child, she was a baby-sitter. Nothing more, and that was how she wanted to keep things. She wasn't cold hearted, but she never was able to develop deeper feelings for her child. She solely did this for Jamie, a friend in need. Not for his child. She didn't even consider Agnes her own child anymore. She was Jamie's and Jamie's alone.

  For a few hours every night, Jamie would work and sell the only thing he had left – himself. His body and its orifices where now available to buy at a moderate price. Every night, when he came home after his work, he gave Lauren some of his earnings, as a compensation for her own lost time. The rest was for him and Agnes. It wasn't much, but paid the rent and three meals a day. It also helped keeping Agnes well dressed and prying neighbors and teachers away.

  Pimps didn't like Jamie, because he preferred to work alone, without them. He was one of the very few hustlers who wasn't under protection from a pimp, and he didn't need to leave most of his earnings behind, but to his own surprise no one ever approached him wrongfully, he was never threatened after the initial introductions, and he was left alone once he had found 'his' corner between an adult bookstore and a Chinese dry cleaning shop.

  The business was much friendlier than it had been depicted in movies he had seen or books he had read. Nevertheless, he did his best to not step on anybody's toes and to stay carefully guarded. Maybe, the people who ran these streets w
here not as violent or threatening in their approach as others, but that didn't mean that it couldn't change at any moment.

  Jamie's first customer ever had been a young over-weight man, who simply had wanted a blow-job. And although Jamie was nervous, shy and shaking, he managed to perform well and the man became a regular customer. His second client had been a top, like most men who stopped to pick him up. He needed to insist on protection, but everything else was okay, if only a little rough. It only reassured Jamie that he had made the right choice. It was easy money and he always had the choice to climb into the car of a John or not.

  Jamie hated the reality of his job and how it was conceived by most people, but if it was able to offer him a little time with his girl and make it appear as if they had a normal life, it was worth it. Jamie knew he would do anything for his child, even if he was dying a little inside with every man who touched him. Jamie felt how he slowly became dulled by his job and how he gave up on his fantasies to meet the One for himself. He didn't have the time, or the wish to meet other men anymore anyway.

  Jamie's life was dictated by his daughter and his job and in between, he tried to stay fit, trim and a little vain too. Little did he know that his life was about to change and be turned up side down soon.

  ~~Chapter 1~~

  Loud pounding at the apartment door made Jamie freeze with his morning coffee in hand. He instantly knew who was at the door and what it was about. Jamie motioned Agnes, who was sitting at the table shoveling in her cereals, to keep quiet, while an angry voice boomed through the closed door. He still held his finger in front of his lips and craned his neck to listen to whatever was coming his way. Jamie didn't even dare to move or breathe audibly.

  “McCarrick! I know that you are there. I heard you and your child. Your rent is overdue. Again. If I don't see my money by tonight, you are out! Is that clear? I'll change the locks. I want my money. All of it.” Jamie and Agnes listened, careful not to give themselves away, as heavy steps walked down the hall, away from their door.